unexpected nut

I’m breaking from the traditionally impersonal, link-farm-format format of this here little site to give you good people what absolutely none of you have been begging for - my unsolicited and totally biased opinion.

I had a FREAKIN’ GREAT TIME at Snakes on a Plane.

Notice I didn’t say I loved it. It was not a good movie. I mean, it was not heady, art house stuff. It was bad.  Real bad. And yet, I haven’t laughed for 92 continuous minutes in the theater in years.

Let me give you some viewing instructions to help your SoaP experience go as smoothly as possible:

1. See it on a weekend. Don’t bother with the Tuesday matinee, kids; it just won’t be as funny sitting in a theater with a handful of nightshift employees.
2. Drink. Smuggling in 350’s of Jack to top off your 72 oz. fountain Coke is the quickest way to feel 18 again, believe me. And you’ll be the envy of everyone else in the theater, because 90% of them aren’t old enough to buy cigarettes yet, anyway.
3. When the PSA comes on, asking you to refrain from talking, ignore it. SPOILER ALERT: This movie has no surprise ending, no The Crying Game moment, no plot twist. Hell, it has no plot. You won’t miss any key piece of dialog that ties the whole film together by having a chat with your neighbor in the theater, trust me.
4. Expect it to suck. That way, when it does, you won’t care.
5. Go with a good group of people, and make sure they have low standards for entertainment. A good filter for this would be, when you walk into the theater to meet them, ask in an over-loud voice “Hey, is this Bears in a Submarine?” If they all laugh, and start coming up with their own, you’re in good shape. If that lowest common form of humor doesn’t appeal to them, suggest that the Al Gore movie is playing over in theater 11 and could you have their share of the booze.
6. Did I mention the part about having a drink?
7. BONUS: Go to The Rattlesnake on Boylston afterwards.

There you go kids. I can’t guarantee your experience will be the same, but at least the cards will be stacked in your favor.